Just Read It, I Guess

Ever since I stopped "following Christ", things have changed drastically.

So many pros... so many cons...

Sometimes it makes me think, was I spoiled by believing in a God? Always having an answer, hope, something to look towards, an outlet.

I really do feel empty without "Him". But fuck... it's so much easier to live this way. Do whatever you want, have sex with as many girls as you want, live freely, rebelliously.

Somehow my mind convinces itself that this is better. I don't know... is it?

I've realized that ninety percent of the time I write on here lately, I sound like a psychotic human that should be in a psych ward. I just talk to myself about what is going through my head.

I feel like only I understand myself.

So what's the point in talking to anyone else?

I lost both of my last grandparents this past year, dealt with my dad's cancer, dealt with debt, money, finances, losing my job of five years. And that is just this past year, let alone everything else.

Now I'm just rambling, but isn't that what you are supposed to do on these things or something?

I sit here, look back on my life, and feel like my life could be a novel (considering how much I've done with my life for only being twenty one), and yet still, if I wrote that novel, no one would still truly, know me.

Who knows, maybe that "angel" of a woman will come by and sweep me off my feet. I really don't even think I have that friend that I will know, and be friends with the rest of my life. So what's the hope of a future with an actual wife and family? Something I've always dreamed of since I was a kid.

Where am I even going?

I have a map that's blank. I feel like I have to draw it, and figure out where I want to go.

Who knows where I'll end up.

I guess I better get to drawing...