The Map Part One: Change

It's ironic I haven't started drawing this map yet, but I am starting to have some kind of direction.

Change.
Keeps coming to mind.
Change.
Change.

Something new.

It's time for a new chapter in my life. Break away from old habits. Start working towards something better.

Why be what everyone else can be, when you know you could be greater?

I never thought I would hit the point, that I was tired of the reputation I was getting.

I don't care about many people, and by care, I mean genuinely would do anything for someone, and by many people, I mean no one.

It's sad that when something or someone comes along that I would love nothing more than to care about, the things I do on a daily basis, have clogged the connection.

I rarely give anyone a chance, and by rarely, I mean never.
If this chance is given, I sure hope it's not a waste.

I don't do this...

But for the love of God and everything that is Holy, don't be a waste.

I will prove you wrong...



Emo post one. Successful.

Just Read It, I Guess

Ever since I stopped "following Christ", things have changed drastically.

So many pros... so many cons...

Sometimes it makes me think, was I spoiled by believing in a God? Always having an answer, hope, something to look towards, an outlet.

I really do feel empty without "Him". But fuck... it's so much easier to live this way. Do whatever you want, have sex with as many girls as you want, live freely, rebelliously.

Somehow my mind convinces itself that this is better. I don't know... is it?

I've realized that ninety percent of the time I write on here lately, I sound like a psychotic human that should be in a psych ward. I just talk to myself about what is going through my head.

I feel like only I understand myself.

So what's the point in talking to anyone else?

I lost both of my last grandparents this past year, dealt with my dad's cancer, dealt with debt, money, finances, losing my job of five years. And that is just this past year, let alone everything else.

Now I'm just rambling, but isn't that what you are supposed to do on these things or something?

I sit here, look back on my life, and feel like my life could be a novel (considering how much I've done with my life for only being twenty one), and yet still, if I wrote that novel, no one would still truly, know me.

Who knows, maybe that "angel" of a woman will come by and sweep me off my feet. I really don't even think I have that friend that I will know, and be friends with the rest of my life. So what's the hope of a future with an actual wife and family? Something I've always dreamed of since I was a kid.

Where am I even going?

I have a map that's blank. I feel like I have to draw it, and figure out where I want to go.

Who knows where I'll end up.

I guess I better get to drawing...

Hollow

Empty, empty, empty.

Voids, mistakes, shortcomings, failures.
Lessons learned, pains relieved, aches cured.

Empty, empty, empty.

Is there more than what meets the eye?

Promises of a heaven, damnations to a hell.
Security in a Savior, fear in a maker.

Rights, wrongs, promises, lies.

Empty, empty, empty.

But, honesty, self-sufficiency, realism?...

...fulfilled.

Knots. Tension.

Full glass of vodka and cherry coke.


Where did I go wrong?

When did I start digging this hole?

It's been a long time since I've had a day this bad...

I find it interesting, that I always have something to say when things go terribly wrong. My mind just explodes with thought, when I'm lost.

Shouldn't it be the other way around?

Isn't it when writer's have profound thoughts, that they write some of the most unbelievable things? When an inventor's "light bulb" turns on, they have the genius idea?

I'm living the way I wanted, but is this really what I wanted?

For my dad to have cancer. To be over a thousand dollars in debt. To be making enough money for there to be no excuse for my debt. Still living with my parents. In a band that brings me so much joy, but only satisfies myself. Am I selfish?

Is it wrong for me to chase after something I've wanted my whole life... to be a successful musician?

Something I've dreamed of since I was a kid... but I feel is now coming true. The second I feel all the hard work is paying off, someone else brings reality back into mind. Which one is right?

This dream that's coming true, or the reality of my mistakes?

The time, the money, the effort, the sweat, the tears, the passion, the dedication.

It seems so right. It seems so worth it to me. Am I ignorant? Do I not see something that everyone else around me is seeing that says it's not worth it?

The one thing in this world that I find peace and solace in, music.

It drives me.

It feeds me.

I feel like I understand it in ways that no one can comprehend. I feel like IT understands me more than I understand myself.

Why am I ranting? I don't know.

It feels right. It feels like where I'm supposed to be.


Glass empty.

You

don't find enough good in yourself,
but HE sees so much more in you than you do.

HE sees and understands a side of you that NO ONE can understand...

You see, I too, am imperfect. Just because I serve HIM, makes me no better than you.

I have so many flaws and disgusting things that plague my life that no one knows about, but only HE can understand...

You've found yourself in a rut, what seems like a dead end.

I've found myself there too, once. I was threatened with cancer...

I've been in your shoes, I know how it feels to know that no one could possibly TRULY understand the pain you are going through.

HE is so much more than a religion,

or a belief,

or an answer,

or a way of life,

or a cult.

He WANTS you.

He smiles at the thought of your existence...

You are PERFECT in His eyes.

You've heard it all.

All the stereotypical church answers.

I was THERE once as well.

I was so tired of seeing nothing happen, so I decided to get up and do something about it myself.

You ARE loved.

You've claimed to be independent and need nothing but yourself, but you've found yourself with hurt and pain.

You see, you ARE imperfect...

just like me,

just like the president,

just like the biggest evangelist of all time.

All of us, any level in life, ARE imperfect.

We fall in the times where we just can't figure it out.

We collapse under too much pressure.

When the pain that life can throw at us gets too great, we throw in the towel.

But that's why HE gave up EVERYTHING.

He is not a children's story,

He is not a God who sits up on a throne in heaven while doing nothing at all.

He watches you all day and is obsessed with how beautiful you are.

He is captivated by your smile.

He is moved by your love, even if it isn't for Him, because he understands that you are hurting.

He is reaching out to you, waiting for you to grab His hand.

You ARE loved.




You ARE loved.




You ARE loved.





Just remember...

you gave up on Him...

He never gave up on you...


He WANTS you home.

Dreams

So I just got back from a walk through downtown with one of our guitarists and thought about so much random crap on this journey. As usual I don't know what I'm about to say, but I feel like God wants me to write this.

It's Christmas Eve and as we walked downtown, it was astonishing to see all the different kinds of people that were out tonight. There were people drinking(even whole families), people hanging out, people enjoying the river, newlyweds having a romantic night, couples indulging in themselves, families having their "family" night and enjoying each others presence, and the one thing that broke my heart... homeless... deep down inside searching for their own Christmas.

One thing that really stuck out about tonight is something I was told all the time growing up... "You can be whatever you want to be". And we were all asked that so much in elementary school, "Timmy, what do you want to be when you grow up?" "Sarah, what do YOU want to become when you get a job?" And you hear so many answers... a fireman, a nurse, a lawyer, a meteorologist, a drummer in a metal band, a missionary, a pastor... and all I can think about when I see these homeless people is... I wonder what THEIR dreams were... I wonder what THEIR answers were... but really I wonder what HAPPENED to their dreams... Why did they give up...

And to be blunt, I wonder how many prayers they prayed that they feel were not answered... I wonder how many times they tried, how many times they went in for that interview, how many times they went back to school trying to make passing grades while maintaining a full-time job because no one would help them... I wonder how many times they kept turning to drugs or alcohol to fix their problems, only to put them into the situation they are in now.

I literally can't sleep, knowing that I am inside a house, typing on a keyboard connected to a computer, with a guaranteed place to sleep, still pursuing my dream while there are hundreds of lost, hurt, and confused people walking the streets of this city, who gave up their dreams, or never had enough hope to realistically have any dreams...

I feel like I'm writing this to tell you ALL... PLEASE don't give up on your dream. God has given you dreams, desires, and talents for you to USE. Don't let your dream die. I'm sure so many of you are so tired of trying, so tired of doing the same crap over and over, sick of your financial problems, sick of your family issues... but your dream was never given to you for you to give up on. Moments like this are going to make your dream mean more to you. It's going to make you want it that much more when you get through this. And as you are achieving this dream, bring hope to those who gave up. Remind them that it is never to late... there is STILL a dream... IT never died, YOU just let it slip away.

If your reading this, know that I am praying for you. If you have any prayer requests, need prayer over the phone, in person, just need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to let me know.

I love you all so much.

Merry CHRISTmas.

-Stephan

Don't give up beloved!

It amazes me how hard life can really be. It can throw some huge curve balls your way when you aren't looking and/or ready for it. I haven't updated in stinking forever, but this is what is on my heart. I have no idea what is about to come out, but if you are reading this, don't stop, because you are reading it for a reason.

Life can be very crude... it has a way of bringing pain and a lot of suffering in the most ridiculously random times. It know it is so hard... I know there are times when you just want to give up, times when you are through being upset, times when you are done with the crappy hand that life has dealt you, times when throwing the towel in may seem like the only option...

But you HAVE to keep going, you HAVE to keep pushing through, you HAVE to prevail. You are not alone in whatever you are going through. There IS hope. If you don't believe me, that's fine. When I was diagnosed with testicular cancer two months ago, I didn't believe it either... I was so ready to throw in the towel. The girl I thought I was supposed to marry broke up with me, and my band broke up as well... I was getting dealt the crappy hand... I was lost, and stripped of everything that made me who I am in this world. I learned a very valuable thing that night I got home from the hospital. There IS hope... there IS restoration... don't give up, because HE loves you until the end. HIS hand is reaching out to you... you have to grab it though! If you are reading this, christian or not, any level of faith, any beliefs, any problems, know that I am praying for you as you read this. Know that there is someone who cares. Most importantly, know and understand that I care only because HE first cared for me. He provided a way out when I was dealt so much that I finally just couldn't handle it anymore. It is only my job and passion to share the same hope and comfort that I have found.

You are being prayed for and your Father in heaven is yearning to hear YOU talk to Him. He wants you home... He wants you to be free... He wants you to finally achieve the comfort you are looking for. As a matter of fact... He wants it so bad, that he give up everything he had... He set aside all of his desires so you can come home to your Him.

I beg you... don't give up. Keep pushing. Fight the good fight. In the end I PROMISE... it will be worth it :-)

Prayers. Comments. Need someone to talk to. Please don't hesitate to message me, because this is written for YOU.


-Stephan