A Day in the Life of Stephan

The Map Part One: Change

2011-08-13T02:30:00.002-04:00

It's ironic I haven't started drawing this map yet, but I am starting to have some kind of direction.

Change.
Keeps coming to mind.
Change.
Change.

Something new.

It's time for a new chapter in my life. Break away from old habits. Start working towards something better.

Why be what everyone else can be, when you know you could be greater?

I never thought I would hit the point, that I was tired of the reputation I was getting.

I don't care about many people, and by care, I mean genuinely would do anything for someone, and by many people, I mean no one.

It's sad that when something or someone comes along that I would love nothing more than to care about, the things I do on a daily basis, have clogged the connection.

I rarely give anyone a chance, and by rarely, I mean never.
If this chance is given, I sure hope it's not a waste.

I don't do this...

But for the love of God and everything that is Holy, don't be a waste.

I will prove you wrong...

Emo post one. Successful.

Just Read It, I Guess

2011-07-19T01:15:00.005-04:00

Ever since I stopped "following Christ", things have changed drastically.

So many pros... so many cons...

Sometimes it makes me think, was I spoiled by believing in a God? Always having an answer, hope, something to look towards, an outlet.

I really do feel empty without "Him". But fuck... it's so much easier to live this way. Do whatever you want, have sex with as many girls as you want, live freely, rebelliously.

Somehow my mind convinces itself that this is better. I don't know... is it?

I've realized that ninety percent of the time I write on here lately, I sound like a psychotic human that should be in a psych ward. I just talk to myself about what is going through my head.

I feel like only I understand myself.

So what's the point in talking to anyone else?

I lost both of my last grandparents this past year, dealt with my dad's cancer, dealt with debt, money, finances, losing my job of five years. And that is just this past year, let alone everything else.

Now I'm just rambling, but isn't that what you are supposed to do on these things or something?

I sit here, look back on my life, and feel like my life could be a novel (considering how much I've done with my life for only being twenty one), and yet still, if I wrote that novel, no one would still truly, know me.

Who knows, maybe that "angel" of a woman will come by and sweep me off my feet. I really don't even think I have that friend that I will know, and be friends with the rest of my life. So what's the hope of a future with an actual wife and family? Something I've always dreamed of since I was a kid.

Where am I even going?

I have a map that's blank. I feel like I have to draw it, and figure out where I want to go.

Who knows where I'll end up.

I guess I better get to drawing...

Hollow

2011-07-10T20:43:00.002-04:00

Empty, empty, empty.

Voids, mistakes, shortcomings, failures.
Lessons learned, pains relieved, aches cured.

Empty, empty, empty.

Is there more than what meets the eye?

Promises of a heaven, damnations to a hell.
Security in a Savior, fear in a maker.

Rights, wrongs, promises, lies.

Empty, empty, empty.

But, honesty, self-sufficiency, realism?...

...fulfilled.

Knots. Tension.

2010-11-08T21:44:00.002-05:00

Full glass of vodka and cherry coke.

Where did I go wrong?

When did I start digging this hole?

It's been a long time since I've had a day this bad...

I find it interesting, that I always have something to say when things go terribly wrong. My mind just explodes with thought, when I'm lost.

Shouldn't it be the other way around?

Isn't it when writer's have profound thoughts, that they write some of the most unbelievable things? When an inventor's "light bulb" turns on, they have the genius idea?

I'm living the way I wanted, but is this really what I wanted?

For my dad to have cancer. To be over a thousand dollars in debt. To be making enough money for there to be no excuse for my debt. Still living with my parents. In a band that brings me so much joy, but only satisfies myself. Am I selfish?

Is it wrong for me to chase after something I've wanted my whole life... to be a successful musician?

Something I've dreamed of since I was a kid... but I feel is now coming true. The second I feel all the hard work is paying off, someone else brings reality back into mind. Which one is right?

This dream that's coming true, or the reality of my mistakes?

The time, the money, the effort, the sweat, the tears, the passion, the dedication.

It seems so right. It seems so worth it to me. Am I ignorant? Do I not see something that everyone else around me is seeing that says it's not worth it?

The one thing in this world that I find peace and solace in, music.

It drives me.

It feeds me.

I feel like I understand it in ways that no one can comprehend. I feel like IT understands me more than I understand myself.

Why am I ranting? I don't know.

It feels right. It feels like where I'm supposed to be.

Glass empty.

You

2009-02-20T00:34:00.002-05:00

don't find enough good in yourself,
but HE sees so much more in you than you do.

HE sees and understands a side of you that NO ONE can understand...

You see, I too, am imperfect. Just because I serve HIM, makes me no better than you.

I have so many flaws and disgusting things that plague my life that no one knows about, but only HE can understand...

You've found yourself in a rut, what seems like a dead end.

I've found myself there too, once. I was threatened with cancer...

I've been in your shoes, I know how it feels to know that no one could possibly TRULY understand the pain you are going through.

HE is so much more than a religion,

or a belief,

or an answer,

or a way of life,

or a cult.

He WANTS you.

He smiles at the thought of your existence...

You are PERFECT in His eyes.

You've heard it all.

All the stereotypical church answers.

I was THERE once as well.

I was so tired of seeing nothing happen, so I decided to get up and do something about it myself.

You ARE loved.

You've claimed to be independent and need nothing but yourself, but you've found yourself with hurt and pain.

You see, you ARE imperfect...

just like me,

just like the president,

just like the biggest evangelist of all time.

All of us, any level in life, ARE imperfect.

We fall in the times where we just can't figure it out.

We collapse under too much pressure.

When the pain that life can throw at us gets too great, we throw in the towel.

But that's why HE gave up EVERYTHING.

He is not a children's story,

He is not a God who sits up on a throne in heaven while doing nothing at all.

He watches you all day and is obsessed with how beautiful you are.

He is captivated by your smile.

He is moved by your love, even if it isn't for Him, because he understands that you are hurting.

He is reaching out to you, waiting for you to grab His hand.

You ARE loved.

You ARE loved.

You ARE loved.

Just remember...

you gave up on Him...

He never gave up on you...

He WANTS you home.

Dreams

2008-12-25T00:02:00.003-05:00

So I just got back from a walk through downtown with one of our guitarists and thought about so much random crap on this journey. As usual I don't know what I'm about to say, but I feel like God wants me to write this.

It's Christmas Eve and as we walked downtown, it was astonishing to see all the different kinds of people that were out tonight. There were people drinking(even whole families), people hanging out, people enjoying the river, newlyweds having a romantic night, couples indulging in themselves, families having their "family" night and enjoying each others presence, and the one thing that broke my heart... homeless... deep down inside searching for their own Christmas.

One thing that really stuck out about tonight is something I was told all the time growing up... "You can be whatever you want to be". And we were all asked that so much in elementary school, "Timmy, what do you want to be when you grow up?" "Sarah, what do YOU want to become when you get a job?" And you hear so many answers... a fireman, a nurse, a lawyer, a meteorologist, a drummer in a metal band, a missionary, a pastor... and all I can think about when I see these homeless people is... I wonder what THEIR dreams were... I wonder what THEIR answers were... but really I wonder what HAPPENED to their dreams... Why did they give up...

And to be blunt, I wonder how many prayers they prayed that they feel were not answered... I wonder how many times they tried, how many times they went in for that interview, how many times they went back to school trying to make passing grades while maintaining a full-time job because no one would help them... I wonder how many times they kept turning to drugs or alcohol to fix their problems, only to put them into the situation they are in now.

I literally can't sleep, knowing that I am inside a house, typing on a keyboard connected to a computer, with a guaranteed place to sleep, still pursuing my dream while there are hundreds of lost, hurt, and confused people walking the streets of this city, who gave up their dreams, or never had enough hope to realistically have any dreams...

I feel like I'm writing this to tell you ALL... PLEASE don't give up on your dream. God has given you dreams, desires, and talents for you to USE. Don't let your dream die. I'm sure so many of you are so tired of trying, so tired of doing the same crap over and over, sick of your financial problems, sick of your family issues... but your dream was never given to you for you to give up on. Moments like this are going to make your dream mean more to you. It's going to make you want it that much more when you get through this. And as you are achieving this dream, bring hope to those who gave up. Remind them that it is never to late... there is STILL a dream... IT never died, YOU just let it slip away.

If your reading this, know that I am praying for you. If you have any prayer requests, need prayer over the phone, in person, just need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to let me know.

I love you all so much.

Merry CHRISTmas.

-Stephan

Don't give up beloved!

2008-11-14T01:45:00.002-05:00

It amazes me how hard life can really be. It can throw some huge curve balls your way when you aren't looking and/or ready for it. I haven't updated in stinking forever, but this is what is on my heart. I have no idea what is about to come out, but if you are reading this, don't stop, because you are reading it for a reason.

Life can be very crude... it has a way of bringing pain and a lot of suffering in the most ridiculously random times. It know it is so hard... I know there are times when you just want to give up, times when you are through being upset, times when you are done with the crappy hand that life has dealt you, times when throwing the towel in may seem like the only option...

But you HAVE to keep going, you HAVE to keep pushing through, you HAVE to prevail. You are not alone in whatever you are going through. There IS hope. If you don't believe me, that's fine. When I was diagnosed with testicular cancer two months ago, I didn't believe it either... I was so ready to throw in the towel. The girl I thought I was supposed to marry broke up with me, and my band broke up as well... I was getting dealt the crappy hand... I was lost, and stripped of everything that made me who I am in this world. I learned a very valuable thing that night I got home from the hospital. There IS hope... there IS restoration... don't give up, because HE loves you until the end. HIS hand is reaching out to you... you have to grab it though! If you are reading this, christian or not, any level of faith, any beliefs, any problems, know that I am praying for you as you read this. Know that there is someone who cares. Most importantly, know and understand that I care only because HE first cared for me. He provided a way out when I was dealt so much that I finally just couldn't handle it anymore. It is only my job and passion to share the same hope and comfort that I have found.

You are being prayed for and your Father in heaven is yearning to hear YOU talk to Him. He wants you home... He wants you to be free... He wants you to finally achieve the comfort you are looking for. As a matter of fact... He wants it so bad, that he give up everything he had... He set aside all of his desires so you can come home to your Him.

I beg you... don't give up. Keep pushing. Fight the good fight. In the end I PROMISE... it will be worth it :-)

Prayers. Comments. Need someone to talk to. Please don't hesitate to message me, because this is written for YOU.

-Stephan

Update... #84619569

2008-09-14T18:10:00.002-04:00

Hey guys. Well I had surgery this past Friday at 8:50 AM. They removed my right testicle, which was infected with cancer. I am in a bit of pain where the incision was, but other than that, I feel great.

I will be going back in the next week or two to have CAT scans and x-rays done to look for more cancer.

God has been my source for joy and wisdom through all of this. So many people say this, but I have to say it, because it is true... I have no idea where I would be right now or what I would be thinking if God had not entered my life and wrecked it with His love three years ago. The opportunities God has been giving me to speak into others' lives' have been so awesome, and there are more to come.

I would write more, but unfortunately I don't have the time right now.

Thank you guys so much for everything you do for me.

Keep God first :-)

God Bless.

Update #2

2008-09-10T13:18:00.002-04:00

I got the blood work back, and they determined it is cancer. Today I went in for my pre-operation stuff at the hospital. They basically just went over everything with me. The surgery is scheduled to be Friday at 8:50 AM at the St. Luke's Hospital.

I just want to say that God has touched my life and taught me so much through this. I hope he is doing the same for you.

My prayer is that your life will be touched in an even greater way than mine has through this, that your relationship with God will become something it has never been before, that you will fall in love with God with so much passion that you just can't turn away from his joy and laughter.

Once again, I am nothing without God... He has made me who I am today despite my past. He can do the same for you. His hand is out, it just takes you to grab it.

Thank you all so much for the prayers, the thoughts, the messages, texts, phone calls... I am, again, speechless. A "thank you" is not enough.

God Bless.

Update on Life

2008-09-08T21:04:00.002-04:00

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've updated, my mind has been turned into spaghetti in the past week and a half.

I went in for my biopsy this past Wednesday and I saw the specialist. He took a look at it and felt around, and concluded that a biopsy would be pointless and a waste of time. By the time we would get the results back( which would probably tell us something we already know), I could have had the surgery and prevented it from spreading further. AND if it turns out I don't have cancer, they will be able to find out what it is A LOT easier since I will already be cut open. He is now basically 90% sure it is cancer. My surgery is scheduled to be this Friday. I'm going in tomorrow for pre-operation crap.

I am still believing God for this miracle 100%, but I'm believing 110% for saved lives, expecially my family. So please pray for the people that will hear this story, that they will see the love of God through this situation, again, especially my family.

"My God, I am not, but you ARE." -My Epic

In this rough time, God has given me one of the most remarkable revelations I have ever been given, and it is something we will still never understand.

Whatever it is that I think I am, I am truly not. But, it is GOD, who is what I am.

No matter what I have accomplished, what I have done, how far I've gotten, how many people I've reached, how many times God has used me... I am still NOT... but God IS....

The only way I am getting through this is because "God IS". Everyday I wake up wondering why I have to go through this, why I have to feel this pain. I try and turn my back on God... but I just can't... I am nothing without Him, I am lost without Him.

The testimonies I am already getting from this have been unbelievable, just continue believing for more :-)

Thank you guys for everything.

God Bless.

Jesus>Cancer

2008-08-29T00:15:00.003-04:00

It is unbelievable how fast your life can change. It can be in a matter of days... or even seconds.

As many of you may know already, I've had pain for about a week now in my... let's say, reproductive organs (my attempt to keep my blog clean). Yesterday, my birthday, it got so bad that I had to go to the hospital. As we walked in, we were all making jokes, because honestly, it was really funny at the time. BUT, after six hours of being in the hospital and eventually getting an ultrasound, the doctor came in and told me that they found a mass in it... and he said it is very likely that it is cancer. Of course that is the "long story short" version though.

It honestly never really hit me until I left the hospital and I just broke down by myself, crying out to God. I went back to the church (by this time, half the world knew), and just found myself in the arms of so many loving people.

That night I have never seen so many people truly care about me in my entire life... between all the phone calls, text messages, and prayers, I don't think a "thank you" is enough. I'm speechless.

Last night I got home at about midnight and just found my self in a place where I felt like my life was crumbling. I was so broken and so humbled that all I could do was sit at the feet of Jesus and let Him heal the pain I was feeling.

I would just like to say that today was one of the most peaceful days I have ever had in my entire life... because there is only one answer to this kind of obstacle...and that is the finished work of the cross.

I'm posting this blog for two reasons and I want to close with them:

Number one, I'm saying right now, in the name of Jesus Christ, that there will be a future blog that is going to include how God has healed me of this and rid my body of it. Whatever it is, I refuse to let this in my life.

And number two, please pray for me, obviously for healing, but this second reason(the main reason I posted this blog) is to PLEASE pray that this situation will only be a mirror of what God can do in others' lives'... I want nothing more than Jesus' name to be heard through this. If this story is ever told to anyone, I don't want my name to be included in it, because I am nothing without God, anything I am is because of Him. Let this story/situation just glorify Him, let it inspire others' to stand up against the things of this world and push through the obstacles that are thrown our way everyday by seeking the over abundant love and grace of God. The only source of joy and strength in my life right now is our Father in heaven and I could not do this on my own. I want nothing more than for Him to get all praise and glory for it. Again, I ask that you would just keep this situation in your prayers, that this time in my life will display the love of God, and let it have nothing to do with me.

Thank you guys so much.

God Bless

The Intricacies of Turmoil

2008-07-27T22:04:00.003-04:00

Sometimes it is just so hard to let go of things when they are still affecting your life a few months later. It's so hard to let your best friends just walk out of your life, when you have no control over it. You just feel left, abandoned, with NOTHING, as they go on to EVERYTHING. Don't get me wrong, God has brought me more friends that are just more than I could ever ask for, but when you've given your ENTIRE life spiritually, physically, and mentally to those people who have walked on to other things, it hurts.

I stopped by a show tonight to see my friends' band, The Abandoned, and ended up seeing the aftermath of some of the damage that was done, and it breaks my heart because I can't do anything about it, but I'm getting the blunt force for it, even though it wasn't my fault.

I feel like there is a huge burden on my chest with my ex-girlfriend as well. I'm not a person who just walks away without saying sorry, or just walks away knowing someone has a problem with me. Hebrews 12:14- "Make every effort to live at peace with all men and to be Holy." And I'm in a situation where I have to walk away and there is nothing more I can do.

I feel like I'm just being reminded of how much I need Jesus, and what I would be without him... I would be NOTHING. It is very stereotypical, but sometimes it's so easy to forget the elementary truths of your faith that everyone learns in Sunday school.

On that note, life has been confusing, but God is SO great, and I'm believing for so many great things to happen.

P.S. Fasting all this week. I encourage anyone to participate. If you don't want to do the whole week, then at least fast from some kind of meal on Tuesday to pray for my friend Lizzie's Dad and her family. Their situation is one that is no longer in Lizzie's hand and is truly going to take a supernatural act of God to change it. Just pray that God would take the blindfold Satan has placed on her Dad's eyes, off, and would reveal himself to him. Not too include, God just shedding his light upon him.

It is very often we forget that some things only come by prayer AND fasting.

Thank you guys.

God Bless

New Blog!

2008-07-25T20:52:00.000-04:00

Hey guys! I mainly started this blog so I can share with everyone what God is doing in my life in hopes of encouraging others. It will probably also include stories and just awesome testimonies of what God is doing in others' lives around me! Be sure to subscribe!